To my beloved husband during the loss of our baby,
First of all I just want to say that I love you. When I was diagnosed with depression, you stood by me. Even when I tried to push you away or keep you at arms length, you stayed. You have always been my biggest supporter. Through everything you have remained unwavering, loving, compassionate and understanding. I don’t think I would have ever made it through without you.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I keep forgetting that while I am experiencing a miscarriage emotionally, physically and mentally, you are always grieving the loss of your child, my love. I don’t think I have seen you shed a tear yet but I have felt your loving embrace while I’ve sobbed myself to sleep. I’ve heard your comforting voice telling me to breathe when I’ve become so consumed by my tears that it has become hard to breathe. You are always by my side being my rock, my constant but who is looking after you while you grieve the loss of our baby?
People keep asking me how I am doing but I think people forget that you experiencing this as well. You fielded all the well-meaning family when I couldn’t even comprehend the word miscarriage, you told your family that they needed to keep our niece away from me when I see how much you love being around her and you made sure that I got out of bed everyday and got dressed even when I didn’t feel like it.
I know that as a father, you are being forgotten about. People seem to forget because I had a more physical connection to our baby but you had an equally real and powerful one with our baby as well. Your connection is just as real and necessary and broken as mine now is. They don’t realise that you want a tattoo, like I do, to commemorate the loss of our little angel because it was your loss as well as mine.
Through all of this, you’ve looked after me because I know how scared you are of losing your wife to depression again. I know you are terrified that I’m going to be overtaken by the evil, consuming monster that is depression. I remember how I was on my worst days; laughing one minute and then becoming irrational and violent the next. I remember the days when I wouldn’t eat or get out of bed or the days when I moved out because I just couldn’t cope being around your mum, dad, brother or niece anymore. I never rejected you. You were the only thing that I knew I needed to get better for.
But my love, I don’t want you to fear. I don’t feel like I am going that way. I am just grieving in the same way that you are. I’m grieving the loss of our baby that was made because of our love. I’m grieving our family Christmas that we had imagined and the bath times that we had discussed so that you didn’t miss them. I’m grieving the fact that you would make such an amazing dad and you couldn’t wait to be one and that has been so cruelly taken away from you. I’m not just grieving for myself, I’m grieving for you as well.
I just want you to know that it’s okay. It’s okay if one day you want to break down and cry because I can assure you I will be there for you in the same way that you are for me. You don’t have to be strong all the time because I can be strong for you. I made vows when we married that I would be the light in the darkness and the rainbow at the end of the storm. I promised that I would be there for you always and I am your constant, your rock just like you are mine. I will give you the same compassion, understanding, love that you’ve given me because we are partners in all of this.
We will make it through this, my love, and we will get our rainbow baby. I promise you that you will be a dad one day.
I love you always Mr S.
Mrs S x